I have words coursing through my body.
I have thoughts, ideas, phrases, building up in my mind.
I’m itching to write.
Scratching to express.
And yet… I can’t.
I type… backspace.
Write… erase.
The words, the emotions, the prose, it is all in there.
So why won’t it come out?
i love how you get good grades, and i love how you always do your homework. i love your red hair and your blue eyes. i love your soft skin and the size of your chest. i love how you’re curvy, and i love how you’re now comfortable with your body. i love you natural skill at swimming, and i love your stupid smile. i love your sarcasm, and your ability to make some people laugh by just a look. i love y our closeness with your family, as well as the friendships that you retain. i love that you are more forgiving than most people, although that might be one of your down falls. i love that you never want to do drugs, and that if you ever consume alcohol, it will be rarely. i love that you have a never ending hope. i love that you have dreams, goals and desires, that you will do anything to accomplish. i love how you put others ahead of yourself, and if they need to talk, you will talk, no matter how close to breaking down you are yourself. i love how you stay strong in the face of the public, and have the skills to keep your composer. i love how you can read a book in a day, but don’t have the attention span to watch a two hour movie. i love how you love your friends, your family, and even people who have hurt you. i love how you have the inability to hate, no matter how much you should.
i love you.
“I love how you always do your homework”
lol
Today I had one of those moments where I learned about a situation involving someone that I consider somewhat of a close friend, not by them telling me, but by them telling a mutual friend while I was there.
And I realized I really hate that. I had been around this kid for like, half of the day, why hadn’t he told me? I felt kind of gypped. I mean, we’re close, right? Don’t I deserve to know?
There’s a lot of factors that go into this, I guess. I mean, he’s closer to the mutual friend, and the mutual friend is a boy, and… and I mean I don’t tell him anything either- so why would he bother telling me anything?
I was thinking on the way home, and I realized… I really did push everybody away, didn’t I? I some how managed to push everybody out of my life, distance myself, and put up massive walls.
I have trust issues. I don’t really think that’s a secret. I don’t really tell anybody everything- I tell very few people anything. That is, except, Brianna. I tell her everything, and I’d be lost without her.
But, I just mean, it’s really hard to gain my trust, really easy to break my trust, and damn near impossible to get me to respect you after you’ve broken it. I say I hate people a lot, but it’s really not that, it’s just that I don’t trust anybody. I just don’t. Almost everybody in my life has done something or hurt me in a way that has led me to not trust them. And if I don’t trust you, I don’t tell you things. If I don’t tell you things, there’s a wall there.
So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised when people don’t open up to me. You get what you give, right?
Just. Idunno. Realizing that I honestly do have very few friends who I could really consider at all to be my friend… it just bums me out. Not that I don’t love the people I do trust to death, and value them a ton… and not that I really need more ties to this place seeing as I am leaving in a few months… and I’m not lonely.
It’s just a bummer. I used to have a ton of friends who I could talk to and now I have like…
three. And one of them I’m going to (officially) be living with for a year up in Boulder.
And really, honestly, if I’m telling the truth, I only have two. I’m working on the third, because I really do care for that third person, and they really mean a lot to me, and I’m perfectly comfortable around them… it’s just.. I have those trust issues, and those walls. I’ll get there though, I promise.
Also, on this drive home, I started thinking about like… I know it’s selfish and stupid of me to want this… but I really want to be the most important person in someone’s life… In any sort of way. and I just don’t feel like I am, other than my parents of course. I just feel… disposable. To everybody. Without exception. Which I know is stupid. And I know I’m important to people. I’m probably important to people that aren’t exactly important to me. But I do.
I’m kind of screwed up. Emotionally. Trust issues. I’m kind of really screwed up. And I push people away. And I keep people away.
And just. I don’t know what the point I was reaching was. I’m just… kinna bummed right now.
Whatever I write or say or think will probably come out stupid and cheesy, because frankly, I am stupid and cheesy. But, you know what, I don’t really mind that. I may have done a pretty fair job hiding my stupidity and cheese the past almost two months, you know, by only saying things to certain people or posting certain things at irrational times of night… or maybe I was just kidding myself. Regardless, I kind of like being stupid and cheesy. I like that when I get a thought or someone says something, I get that stupid and cheesy smile on my face, and I get that stupid and cheesy feeling in my stomach, and I do that stupid and cheesy eye roll and head shake like I don’t actually care and it doesn’t make me really happy when we all know I’m full of shit and it actually does. And I’m not gonna be one to say he’s the reason for my happiness, because depending on a person for your happiness is a bad way to go, but he helps, and it hasn’t been very long, or maybe it has in the land of teenagers, but you know, I’m really liking it. In a very stupid and cheesy way.
I’m stupid and cheesy and that’s probably not gonna change because this is really all new and all great and just, I’ll have bad days or bad thoughts and then I’ll be reminded of, you know, what is actually going on right now, and I’ll start stupidly and cheesily pacing up and down my hall and I’ll have stupid and cheesy dreams that make me excited to get up the next day and I’ll say stupid and cheesy things and write stupid and cheesy paragraphs and listen to stupid and cheesy songs because you know what?
I really like cheese. And I really like being stupid. And I really like feeling this way. And I really like him.
So. I’m stupid and cheesy right now. And I won’t force it upon you guys. But it’s a fact.
I like you.
And I’m pretty sure you like me too.
And I like me and you.
And I like me when I’m with you.
And I like me and you.
And I really like that you like me too.
I like you.
Which is why you have to distance yourself. Regardless of the fact that you like him, and he cares about you, whatever. You’re going to want more. You are going to be around him and want more than friendship. And he’s not going to give it to you. and you will be stick in a circle of ‘I love him, ow my heart, I love him, ow my heart’ forever. Unless you distance right now. Sure, you can be friends again- after you don’t feel like you need him. After you can do things without thinking about him. After you stop dreading seeing him. Then you can be friends. Right now? Horrible idea.
Walking through the hallways of your school when they are completely packed, but having everybody be frozen.
Someone bent over picking up their books.
A pair of people embraced in a meaningful hug.
A girl looking up at the boy she is infatuated with the biggest grin.
Someone hunched over with their head down.
A boy with a angry look on his face, his left shoulder moving backwards, denoting a mid-hall collision.
The lighted up face of someone seeing their favorite person for the first time that day.
The glimmer of hope in a pair of eyes peering into the screen of a phone.
A face, pale, with eyes glazed over, lip bitten- fear, sadness, nerves?
Your best friend, looking over their shoulder to see where you went.
Your significant other, their hand reaching out for someone who isn’t there.
Your favorite teacher, mouth agape after yelling your name down the hallway.
And you. Walking through the iced halls. Making up your own stories about classmates you’ve never met, and making decisions about those closest to you.
And you. Figuring out your life and making choices without the distraction of the world.
And you. Getting a moment to breathe, walk slowly, and find yourself again.
And then you fall into step with your best friend.
Or your hand grips that of your significant other.
Or your head turns at the sound of your name.
And you are slung shot back into the real world.
The world of busy walkers.
The world of books falling.
The world of lovers falling harder.
You’re sent back to the world you know so well, but maybe, just maybe, a bit more prepared to live it than you were before.
Times needs to stop for a little bit.
Everybody needs to just stop, so I can have a minute, or a day, or something, to walk around alone and figure out my shit.
I’ll weave in and out of the people in the hallways. I’ll sit and debate my life choices. I’ll stare into the perpetually open eyes of people who I think can give me all the answers.
Time, space, the human race, just needs to stop. To take a break. To freeze.
I need a chance to exist in time and space by myself, just for a little bit.
